Nightfall
by Lady Belial
Summary: Sometimes, in your life, you just need to stop a minute and think about what happened to you until that moment. And sometimes you don't like it. preslash
1. Nightfall

Be kind to me... This is my first attempt to write a fic, plus my English isn't soooo good... About this topic, I'd be glad if you, finding any grammar error or anything like that, could tell me...  
And please, please, please _read_ and _review_! Wouldn't you like making a girl happy? *puppy eyes*  
**Rating: **PG 13  
**Disclaimer:** no, no, I don't own any of them. It's all Rowling's stuff. Just the plot is mine, I think..   
**Notes: **Remus' pov**  
Dedications: **Agnese e Maddina.. grazie, grazie, grazie! XD *lol*

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Nightfall

I think I'm hating you, now.   
I still can't believe it by myself. You had always, always had that uncanny way of stunning me. Why did you do that to me, Sirius..?   
I loved all of you, once. With all my heart. I knew you, all of you, once, as well. But-- what happened, then..? Why did we change so much?   
Well, I'd always known I was different, and this is stating the obvious. I thought it when I entered Hogwarts the first time. I believed it, when I met you guys. I blessed it, then.   
This was just because the way you - you, James, Peter, even Lily at times - always hung around me, even after discovering the truth, made me feel a new shade of 'different', it drove me into a land where 'different' also meant 'bloody amazing', to say it your way. I loved you for thinking I was special. I almost thought it myself.   
Then the all of you became the only you. The simply 'Marauders' changed into 'you, with the Marauders'. Because you were so bright, Sirius, so brilliant, that discovering your name was the same as a star didn't astonish me at all. I was grateful for your friendship, your closeness, for those glances -often amused, and amusing- meant solely for me.   
I can feel a strange pain, now, so sharp, inside me. And-- why can't I keep myself from remembering..?   
Those seven years spent at Hogwarts had been my shelter, and my cocoon. I was a part of you, a member of the pack, not only as a wolf but also as a human. Now, I still love them, as I still hate them.   
Yeah, I hate them, as I hate you, as I hate myself, for lying to me. I wasn't 'bloody amazing'. Neither 'so special'. I wasn't that way then, as I'm not now. I am just 'different'. And 'scaring'. And 'dangerous', too.   
I discovered it first when I left from that nest- when I really started being confronted by people, without either the soothing structure of the school or your presence around me.   
Did you ever understand what it was like, being who I was, being what I was, in those times..? Surely not, but how could you have known? Perhaps, I didn't understand that fully myself. So- we started doing this. Keeping wary. You felt I was changing, I know you did, but you weren't just capable of putting your finger exactly where. So, as you always did when you couldn't put everything in place, whatever it was, you started panicking. And we were young, Sirius, we were so young, and those were such dark times, that I really should forgive you. And I did it, really, when we first reencountered in the Shack. All became clear, all mistakes, all fears and I found again the only brother I'd left.   
But then I found also other-- things. Sensations. Your reality, against my own body, and the words you muttered so softly in my ear, so softly that no one else heard them, awakened in me thoughts, dreams, that I hoped lost forever.   
And this is why I hate you now, Sirius, why I hate you so much. 'Cause of- of all- all these feelings you gave me, all the time. Because then you still were trying to make me feel right, even when all I knew was I was wrong. And feeling a freak, not only in the body but even in the spirit, was too much to bear. But I'm to blame, as well, because I wanted to let you doing so.   
I just wanted to be held, to feel tight, safe, protected, in the soothing circle of your arms. 

"Oh, here you are!" 

Your voice, real and confident. 

"And wherever else..?" 

My own, light, kind, teasing and distant as always. What a great actor. 

As you enter the kitchen, you come directly to me. "Is everything all right..?" 

"Yeah, sure!" 

But you must have sensed that everything isn't just 'all right', because your worried glance doesn't leave me.   
There isn't simply worry, there.   
Why are you watching me this way? What would you tell me? I sense your look even before I see you. Your eyes are so deep, so confusing, there is a question, there, burning, praying for an answer that I can't give, while you won't put it into words.   
We have been so distant, so far, and I missed you so much.   
But how might we meet, if while all you want is to come back to the surface again, I desire so badly to drown in you? 

~TBC~

A/N: Well? Are you still here? Oh, thanks a lot *lol* What do you think about it? There are some loose ends, I could write a sequel, if you like... But you have to tell me! So, please, review! ^________________^ If you don't like it tell me anyway, 'cause I know I'm not so good... And I would like to improve! -__^  
Aw, come on, press that little button down there..  
  
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	2. Night

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Disclaimer: Still not mine, sorry.  
**Notes:** Sirius' pov, this time - next chapter will be the last!  
This is for Agnese and MadHatter - girls, thank you, thank you, thank you! XDD  
  
  
**Night**

Oooh, good... Just-- good. How I needed this.  
Oh, I missed so much this feeling... The warm water running over the skin can revive a man, I assure that. And I think Remus would agree with that. But he didn't need to insist so much on me having a shower, I would have asked him myself! Dear God, I can't stand even my own reflection when I pass in front of a mirror!

Oh, but now... I love water! Simple, warm, clean, wherever it flows you can see the pure below. And there is so much dirt to wash, all over me. The smug. The dust. The grass, the soil, the guilt, the fear, the despair, the loneliness. I am still not used to it.  
But-- I won't allow me to relax. No, this isn't a matter of will, I just can't. I am not able to. Nothing more, nothing less.  
I want home.  
I want warmth.  
I want people, I want friends, I need them, I want them to– push away the shadows, the shadows that I see, that I can see even here, here, now, even so– far from there, but I know that they are still here, waiting, just round the corner, near, near, ne–

I'm almost shaking. When I realize that, I have to bit back a laugh.

Silly. Childish. And slightly ironic, isn't it?  
I'm always been the protector, the strong one, the godfather, the friend you knew you could lean on. But often I was also the careless git, Mr. Man-with-a-Plan, wasn't I? But so funny. And oh-so-smart. Well, truth to be told, I was secretly pleased - ok, point given, perhaps not _so _secretly - with those appreciations. Even the professors, while scolding me, couldn't help but smile. Fooling around had always been my specialty... I was quite proud of it, and wanted the world to know how great we were! I mean, some of our pranks were just masterpieces! And with the best of them, we even didn't get caught!! I don't know if anyone else would be able to do the same...  
And I guess I was – _"was". I don't like it_ – some fun to have around, if I wanted to amuse someone, I always managed to attain that goal. Who knows, perhaps I just needed to make the others laugh. "Do you think I'm brilliant? Well, you're right!", or something like that... Especially you, of all people. Your smiles were so rare, have you ever noticed it? But when you smiled, it could light up your whole face.   
I loved your smiles. I miss them.

No.  
It isn't so easy. I wish it were. I mean, well, it's good having best friends, laughing with them, plotting antics with them, all too perfectly normal, I was rather lucky, don't you think? No, no, no, it wasn't! It bloody wasn't!! Because it wasn't _so _normal to fell what I _was _feeling! You... you can't imagine what it was like... Hell, I wanted so badly to be near you as close as I could, I wanted to _feel_ how your skin was like, which was your taste, if we really could fit as in my dreams. Hoo-hah, the dreams... that was the better part. I ended up using silencing spells during the night, frightened as I was that any of you could hear something. And you still call it "normal"...?

Geez, cold... I turn the tap until the water is no less than hot. The feeling of it running over my skin is so intense I can't even think straight. Oh, as if I wanted to. I don't want to think, I don't want to stop and think, I don't want to recall anything, I don't.   
The soft sound of pouring water.  
_Obliviate_. The word is soft on my tongue. Oh, no, no, please, don't give me that chance... I know which would be my choice.

Do you now that sometimes I almost hated you, back to Hogwarts?  
Surely, even if you knew, you wouldn't have showed it! Oh, really, you were such an arse sometimes! No one ever knew what you thought. A mask. Always calm, collected and dry. It was almost impossible to hurt you... or, at least, to make you show it.

"Almost", I said... and we both know it pretty well.

For more that just one reason.

And I still don't know if you really forgave me, even if you said you did. I suppose I shouldn't blame you if you didn't, should I?  
What was I trying to tell you, in the Shack?  
Quite obviously I was acting upon my instincts. No wonder in this. What I'm really wondering... why? Why that way? I guess I was trying even with my presence, my body, to tell you I was finally back. Free. That I was still the boy you were used to know. A lie, matter-of-factly, but I didn't care, as long as you could feel comfortable again. But I guess I was wrong, because you stiffened in my arms, then.

I watch my hand under the flow of the water. Open. Close. Open. Close. I'm no more used to the human touch. But the more I understand this, the more I crave for it. My arms are empty, and they're aching.

I didn't understand, then, my own reaction. The warm spot ignited within me by that simple contact. I hoped I got ridden of those awful things long ago. And now I don't know how to act around you. It wasn't that difficult, before.

Time to turn the water off...  
Reluctantly, I wrap myself in the first towel I can reach. As far as I'm concerned, I'd remain this way forever... Here, these things - hunger, thirst, cold - are needs I can handle. Concrete, stable, that can be easily remedied. If–   
But I don't like to dwell on thoughts. Not like that, anyway. It's bloody depressing.

In front of the mirror, I can't help but flinch at the sight, still it's slightly better than before. Slightly.  
I chuckle lightly, at the thought of the expression Remus would wear if I step into the living room with nothing on but this towel... But the laughter turns bitter, because now probably he wouldn't be as amused as he would have been more than ten years ago.   
With a short glance at the filthy thing that once was my robe, discarded in a corner of the room, I take the clothes Remus gave me and put them on.

Oh, the kitchen is empty... Well, no need to worry, this house is so small it won't take long to find him.

Come to think to it, what is really stunning is that, no matter how tense our relation became, every now and then I happen to recognize a word, a gesture, a behavior that connects you to my old dormmate... It's strangely refreshing to see. Almost soothing. Perhaps not everything is lost.

I open the door.

~TBC~


End file.
